Hell's Kitchen

I am making up for my lack of Internet access today, cramming a week's worth of Web surfing into one day.

But I had to take a break to eat. Which required me to then load the dishwasher. And to ruminate on just how substandard my current kitchen is:

• Too small. This is a critical factor. The room is 10'x12' or something - just too small for my lifestyle. (Remember? My small-carbon-footprint lifestyle? Right, that one. It requires a 20'x26' kitchen. Minimum.)

• Old cabinets. My parents had two kitchens from the 1970s. And their cabinets were not this bad. These are painted plywood, and I swear, the inside of one of them isn't even finished. These are the cabinets of no one's dreams. Though perhaps of someone's nightmares.

• Bad countertops. They show every drop, every crumb. The burn mark in one cannot be overlooked; the others stain easily. Do not allow drips of coffee to remain for more than ten minutes, or they are there forever.

- Ancient appliances. The refrigerator is new; the others, so old I cannot even fathom when they were new. The dishwasher is small, and the rackes slide out on their own when the door opens - not quite sure how that happened, but it appears to have been installed on a slope. Not to mention that it's LOUD. Alison will be 17 this fall; I'm guessing the stove and dishwasher predate her by a good many years. I didn't even know they made microwaves that long ago.

• Floor. Made of vinyl tiles that look like white bricks. Not a look I'd recommend.

• No pantry space. Where did these people keep their food? More importantly, how did they stand this? Every day for nine years? I shudder to think.

The lighting is OK (ceiling fan in the middle, lots of spots over the other areas), and I do have a garbage disposal. Though the sink is a problem - it's two-sided, but the disposal is in the little part of the sink (the part that's about three inches deep) and it does not work well for me. Plus, somehow water is always all over the counter.

I am missing my stainless undermount sink, my stainless appliances, my island, granite countertops, lovely cabinets, huge pantry, exposed brick around the cooktop, the wall oven. But all of these will be ours, soon enough.

I'm counting the days ...