The MIddle School Band Concert: The Ultimate Critique

The week of school activities is coming to a close.

Thank goodness.

I mean, I am all about supporting my kids. (And please indulge me while I do something I rarely do here, which is brag on my girls just a bit - if I don't, then who will?) I think my girls are FANTASTIC. They are incredibly bright (trust me - I could bring out the report cards and test scores if you really want evidence, but I doubt anyone wants to go that far. Suffice it to say, they got the combined intelligence of their parents - they got my English and writing skills and their father's math, science, and reasoning skills - and that's not a bad combination. Unfortunately, they also got my short temper and athletic prowess, but that's a discussion for another day ...).

They are clever and witty, and they think for themselves. They are warm and genuine, loyal and sincere. They are truly, truly delightful girls. Alison is smart as a whip - that girl has been thinking and forming logical arguments since early grade school, tackling issues that some people don't think about until they are adults. Maddie is thoughtful and sincere, the most giving child I have ever known. On the rare occasions that she hurts someone's feelings (and it does happen - she is not a saint), she does everything she can to make amends. Sylvia is just a sweetheart - she is still little enough that the world revolves around her parents, and every day of my life she is a ray of sunshine - she wakes up happy and is a delight to be around. She has tons of friends and is clearly loved by all of them - with our volume of phone calls, I know this to be the case.

But don't most little girls have lots of friends? And I know, I am their mother, thus not the most objective observer. And my girls are not without faults - who is? They have their moments, and they have enough - let's call it "personality," shall we? - to make me want to tear my hair out on occasion.

But I digress.

This week is about end-of-the-year functions, those activities in which the schools show off what has been accomplished. Alison is out of the loop - her high school is so big, they have dispensed with the giant assemblies. Alison is sent home with a certificate that reads "Departmental Honors: English." No ceremony, no recognition in front of her peers.

But the middle school is all about the recognition. The performances. The awards ceremonies. I am nearly worn out. One more to go, tonight, and then we're done.

Last night was the band concert. It came in at just over an hour, for three bands, which isn't bad.

Except that it could have - should have - been shorter.

For starters, one band director likes to talk. For fun, I whipped out my phone, which is equipped with a stop watch (my phone has all sorts of quirky gadgets that get me through moments like this). I timed her, and she talked for nearly 10 minutes (cumulatively, that is). She talked about the kids and how great they are. She talked about the song selections. She talked about the handouts at the back of the room (and essentially read them to us, eliminating the need to actually pick up one of the aforementioned handouts). She yakked on and on about everything - about opportunities for the summer, what the eighth-graders can expect next year, about how she wondered that she wouldn't have anything to say. She needn't have worried.

And about the song choices: When I was in piano recitals, my teacher made us choose one major piece (by a real composer) and we were allowed one - only one - pop piece. It's a rule I wish band directors here would follow. I've been going to kids' band concerts for a few years now. The first time you hear your kid's band play "Smoke on the Water," "Born to Be Wild," or "Hawaii Five-0" it's kinda kitschy. With Mr. Parthun at Tecumseh, you sort of felt like you were helping him re-live his stoner days

But it's wearing thin. Last night, the program included "Born to Be Wild," "Mission: Impossible," "Smoke on the Water," "Pink Panther," "Secret Agent Man," three movie themes and two (yes, two) medleys of '60s and '70s TV themes. Good god - enough is enough. These kids are in band to learn some music, and I'm sorry, but a montage that includes the themes from "The Brady Bunch," "Bewitched," and "The Addams Family" - without decent transitions even, just all thrown together - well, it doesn't feel as if my kid is getting a musical education, but rather a stroll down tacky television memory lane. Are we all so numbed that this is what passes for culture? Have them play some real composers - I would prefer to listen to the 590th performance of "Mulberry March" (another Jeff Parthun favorite) or "Mariachi Serenade" than The Flintstones and Peter Gunn - a little goes a long way.

My point? (And I do have one.) I already know my kids are great - I would imagine every parent in that ice-cold cafetorium (boy, that reminds me of my own high school, the illogical melding of those two uses - nothing like hearing a concert in a room that smells like sour milk) feels the same about their own children. It's great to give them a chance to perform, but keep it short and sweet. You don't need to sell us on the value of our kids and their inherent abilties. On a weeknight, we don't want to spend hours listening to performing kids. A couple of well-chosen songs would have been perfect - just enough. We love and appreciate our children for what they are, and we don't need 60 or 90 minutes of what feels like you, the teachers, patting yourselves on the back for a job done well. Yes, we appreciate your hard work, but keep it short. One less TV theme song won't discredit your dedication to teaching.

I'm about quality, not quantity. And I'm beginning to resent the invasion on my time. (Unless you're talking about Jeff High School music shows - now those I love. And I'm looking forward to returning to them.)

I think I sound like the parent from hell. Maybe I am - but that's OK. Someone needs to keep these people on their toes. Unchecked, I shudder to think of what band directors might foist on unsuspecting future band parents ...