Idol Gossip

There are a million important things going on in my life, in the world. I have a list of stuff I could write about, on which I could pontificate, wax poetic.

But the most pressing issue tonight: What the hell is wrong with Paula Abdul?

I am a latecomer to American Idol - and the credit goes to Peter, who suckered me into watching last season. I have watched every minute since January. And I've noticed how out of it Paula seems - I swear, she is either high or just an idiot.

But the other night was the best. The Idolists (Maddie's word - must give credit where credit is due) sang one song without feedback, then the judges were asked to give a quick run-down on what they had seen. Randy gives his usual, "Dog, I don't know dog ..." blahblahblah. Then Paula starts with Jason Castro: "I liked hearing your lower range on that first song, but blahblah it was OK. The second song, I felt like your usual charm wasn't -- it was missing for me. It kind of left me a little empty."

Excuse me? We immediately hit rewind to hear her again - and we had heard correctly. All the idolists looked confused, and finally Randy said, Um, they've only sang one song.

"What?" the confused Paula incoherently tries to spit out. "I thought you sang twice!" She then tries to say she was reading ahead to her comments on David Cook. When Simon, who was hoping to salvage something, asked her who her favorite was, she said, "David Cook." But wait a minute - didn't you just say you had read ahead to your comments on him? Comments that said his "usual charm" was missing?

Later, she referred to Syesha as Brooke, but by then, who was even listening to her?

A flurry of controversy has erupted over American Idol. It appears that - shock of shocks - the judges attend the dress rehearsal and their comments are based on what they hear in rehearsal. Imagine - it's not all live!

For me, that issue is neither here nor there. So they make some notes based on a rehearsal - so do Olympic judges. But in this case, the judges don't actually do the voting; the public does. So the judges' comments don't really matter - only our interpretation of them. And often, the singer whom the judges thought was the best does not, in fact, get voted off.

The bigger issue is Paula Abdul's relevance. I've never really been a fan - her type of music was not my style when she was big in the mid-80s; I was in college and definitely into an edgier sound than saccharine-sweet pop songs sung by a voice that sounded like a mouse on helium.

But I had no idea she was such a wreck. She is a disaster - slurring words, giving criticism that makes no sense, babbling incoherently. She is a mess. She generally repeats exactly what Randy says, only in a less intelligible manner. They could never alternate and let her go first - she would be tongue-tied. As for suggestions that the judges' comments are scripted, I think there is absolutely no evidence that is true. Well, either that, or they have incredibly bad writers.

I will continue to watch - the girls and I find the show very entertaining. Plus, we're totally vested for this season - go David Cook!

But someone at the top might want to re-think that panel; it's time to vote someone off.